Humor is Reason gone Mad

Groucho Marx Quotes
Tomados de PooP Producer

* A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
* A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
* A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
* A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
* A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
* All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
* Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
* Behind every successful man is a woman… Behind her is his wife.
* Bloods’ not thicker than money.
* Budget: a way of going broke methodically.
* Don’t look now but I think there’s one too many is this room right now, and I think it’s you.
* Don’t point that beard at me – it might go off.
* Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. (taking someone’s pulse)
* Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.
* From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
* He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
* Here’s to our wives and girlfriends – may they never meet!
* How would you like to feel the way she looks?
* Humor is reason gone mad.
* I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove.
* I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
* I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
* I drink to make other people interesting.
* I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately, the resemblance doesn't end there.
* I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
* I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.
* I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.
* I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
* I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
* I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
* I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.
* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
* I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
* I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.
* I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
* I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.
* If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.
* If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
* In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
* It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
* It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
* It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
* I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
* I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
* I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.
* Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.
* Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
* Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
* Marriage is a wonderful institution... if, of course, you like living in an institution.
* Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.
* Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
* Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
* Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
* My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
* Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
* Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
* Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
* Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
* Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
* Room service? Send up a larger room.
* Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
* She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
* The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
* There's one thing I want to do before I quit... Retire.
* There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
* Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.
* Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. So just what ARE time flies, and why do they fly like an ARROW?
* We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed… But we're going back next week.
* When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.
* Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
* Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
* With a little study you'll go a long way, and I wish you'd start now.
* Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
* Women should be obscene and not heard.
* You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.
* You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.
* “This is a gala day for you.” Groucho: “Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don’t think I could handle any more.”
* Groucho: “Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married? Woman: “All of us? But that’s bigamy!”
Groucho: “Yes, and it’s big-a-me too.”